No me gusta Dora

Let me start with an admission. I don’t hate kid shows. I don’t seek them out, of course, but I can watch pretty much anything my daughter watches several times and enjoy myself. From “Sesame Street” to “Clifford the Big Red Dog” to “Micky Mouse Club House” to “Little Bill” to “Jack’s Big Music Show.” I am a kid show watching fool. But there is one show, one evil little show, that makes me want to pick up the TV and throw it out the window. And that show, is Dora the Explorer.

But, Mom, I beat up the last person who hated Dora. Don't make me come over there.

But, Mom, I beat up the last person who hated Dora. Don’t make me come over there.

The problem is that my daughter is obsessed with Dora. Obsessed isn’t the right word. She’s beyond obsessed. It’s all she watches. She yells, “Vaminos, let’s go!” and says “Buenos Dias” on occasion. She reenacts scenes. She hums the theme song or the closing song or whatever song it is. I think if I pulled out a purple shirt and orange shorts, she would gladly put on her backpack and go through the Pyramid, into the starry forest, to the ball game.

The Husband finally asked me why I hate Dora so much and I honestly don’t know, which I think drives me even more insane. Why do I hate a show that teaches my daughter a second language? Why do I hate a show that has engaged her more than any other show ever? I’ve tried to think it through.

Maybe it’s the constant repetition of the directions. After 30 times, I think even former President dub-yah Bush knows how the hell to get to the bike shop. I mean seriously, we get it Dora. We do. We’re going down noisy river, over Pirate Cove, to Grandmother’s house. We don’t need it another 30 times.

Wait, was it through the horse manure, over the garbage heap, to the needle infested beach?

Wait, was it through the horse manure, over the garbage heap, to the needle infested beach?

Maybe it’s the creepy backpack that eats anything you put in it? What if Boots fell in? Will backpack eat Boots? RUN, BOOTS, RUN!!!!!

Wait, why does a monkey wear boots anyway? Doesn’t that hinder his climbing skills or are they Vibram boots?

Maybe it’s Swiper because he makes absolutely no sense in the grand scheme of the story line. I mean, they’re off hunting the Holy Grail and along comes this random character who just so happens to stop by and try to steal Grabthar’s Hammer, because, what? He likes stealing stuff? And if he happens to get the Hammer, all he does is throw it up a tree or into an open grave because why? He just loves the thrill of stealing and not the actual item? Maybe Swiper needs therapy or prison. And the only way to thwart his nasty stealing ways is to say, “Swiper no swiping?” Really? I bet if you punched him in the face it would be less trouble. And if he is so in love with stealing things, maybe he needs to stop being so obvious about it! I mean, even these kids who need to be told a billion times how to get to the damn Heroin Den (through the hookers, over the dead nun, to the Heroin Den!) can figure out he’s coming. Swiper, you need a new job.

Plus, what the hell is with Dora’s head? It goes from elbow to elbow when her arms are held out.

Obviously, I have some Dora issues. Hopefully, like all her other TV show obsessions, this one ends soon or I will end up in the loony bin wearing a backpack trying to figure out how to get to the bathroom (through the vomit covered hallway, past the screaming Lincoln, to the bathroom!).

Thinking about how she will watch Dora until she goes to college just to annoy Mommy.

Thinking about how she will watch Dora until she goes to college just to annoy Mommy.

Now THIS is a Dora I could watch!

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